Monday, March 21, 2011

Thank You God...

2:40 AM..... You wake up to feed baby. Back asleep at 3:30.

5:25 AM..... You wake up to see toddler standing next to your bed holding 6 books. He announces, "I read all these books" followed by, with great pride, "I pooted."

5:45 AM..... You park newly diapered toddler on couch in front of Sesame Street and take an 8 minute shower.

8:35 AM..... You arrive at church. (Although you have now been awake for more than 3 hours, you are, of course late, so you must sit in the front row with your children who have not yet learned "church voices.")

8:42 AM..... (7 minutes later) While congregation quietly listens to pastor, baby makes very audible poop.

8:43 AM..... (1 minute later) You feel an alarming warmth all over your lap and down your pant leg. You look down to learn that -- yup, you are covered in poop. Baby looks at you and smiles.

8:44 AM..... You bow your head to pray and thank God for all of the wonderful gifts in your life.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Mom's Top Ten

You know you are a mom when.....

10. You spend your birthday at the doctor's office with a sick kid.

9. Your husband asks what you want for your birthday -- Flowers? Jewelry? Dinner out? Your response: Husband to come home from work early to help with kids.

8. You make sure kids eat from all food groups, but when husband is out of town on business, your dinner is often a bowl of ice cream at 9:30 at night.

7. After spending 3 hours straight cleaning the house, you trip and almost fall over toys on the floor.

6. You are envious of people with social lives, yet when you have the chance for a night out, you are so tired you beg your husband to take you home at 9 PM.

5. While doing errands, you realize you forgot tissues for your child's runny nose so you wipe it with your own shirtsleeve.

4. #5 does not gross you out.

3. You smell your kid to assess whether he needs a bath.

2. You willingly spend the entire day in a shirt covered with baby puke to avoid making extra laundry.

1. While folding laundry you realize you washed and dried 2 rocks and a stick that you did not know were in your child's pocket.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Our "craft" project

After hearing about all of the intellectually stimulating craft projects that my fellow mommy friends are doing with their kids, I decided it was time for me to join the ranks of "crafty mom" one recent rainy day. I gave it a good faith effort to come up with an idea on my own -- at least 30 solid seconds -- before Googling "craft ideas for kids." Aha! Here we go..... time to make a craft.

Step 1 (needless to say we never saw steps 2 -7) was to gather the following items from "around the house": glue, scissors, 20 popsicle sticks, 5 different colors of washable / non-toxic paint, 10 pipe-cleaners, several strips of scrap fabric, and yarn.


Mommy's modified version: "Let's draw a picture with the 4 crayons I just found under the couch."

Tomorrow's objective: Go to the "popsicle stick-paint-pipe-cleaner-fabric-yarn" store.

Friday, March 11, 2011

An occasion to blow-dry my hair

My husband and I have decided to go out for a fancy dinner Saturday night to celebrate my 31st (eeek!) birthday. On my way home from doing errands, I excitedly call him at work to proclaim, "I am going to blow-dry my hair for the occasion!" It saddens me to admit that this has not happened since before my second child was born 3 months ago, but I eagerly look forward to an occasion that necessitates me actually putting forth the slightest bit of effort into my appearance. As I contemplate what outfit will fit my "no-longer in maternity clothes, yet still too big for my regular clothes" body, I glance down at my outfit of choice for today -- the outfit I wore out, in public, to run errands with my children.... The pajama pants (which I had worn to bed the night before and still had not changed out of) have both yellow and blue paint on them, reminding me that I had worn them to paint both of my children's rooms. The black long-sleeve t-shirt has a bleach stain on one sleeve and a small, yet growing hole in one armpit (also worn to bed the night before). Furthermore, having spent much of the morning embarking on the pointless endeavor that we mommies call "cleaning the house", I am not wearing my wedding ring. As I drive home from the last of my morning errands robotically singing "Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" along to the CD playing, the other half of my brain cannot help but wonder if the 17-year old cashier at CVS noticed my ringless hand and thought to himself, "No wonder your husband left you. You are a mess."

Hopefully a much improved woman emerges Saturday night! I will not put my "dinner" shirt on until 30 seconds before leaving the house. It will be nice -- for once -- to be able to turn my head and not smell baby puke on my shoulder, especially while enjoying an expensive steak and a glass (or two) of red.

Just a simple trip to the grocery store

After strapping your very boogery and cranky toddler into his car seat, you return to the house to retrieve your almost 3 month old (already in her car seat), upon which you smell a familiar odor. “Okay baby”, you say, “let’s change you quickly before we head out.” Ha! Not so simple. As you pull her pants off, you feel a warm goo on your hands and quickly learn that she has pooped through all of her clothes and it is all over legs, socks, pants, onesie… oh, and she just put her hand in it. Awesome.

15 minutes later, she is cleaned up in a totally new outfit and all of the poop clothes (as well as the blanket and burp cloth that also got poop on them) are in a pile on the floor, waiting to be dealt with later. Your hands are thoroughly washed (including under your fingernails -- how does poop get there?)

Back into the car seat…… and as you tighten her straps, she projectile vomits all over her sweater and anywhere possible on the car seat (which, as you recall, also has poop on it -- to be cleaned later). You realize that you are not going through this again, and she will just have to go to the grocery store in the puke. You clean her up the best you can and put her in the car, where you assess the situation with Mr. Boogers.

In the 15 minutes it took to clean the baby, the massive amounts of boogers he produces have been wiped several times onto both sleeves of his coat and are crusting over on his face. He does not mind, however, because he has been enjoying his drink and Cheerios through it all.

So off to the grocery store you go with Mrs. Poopy-pukes and Mr. Boogers. After sharing as many germs and horrible stenches as possible with the other shoppers at the store, you are finally ready to check out. Luckily, the baby is still asleep, but as you are paying the cashier, you notice that Mr. Booger’s nose is so out of control that the woman bagging your groceries has reached into her own pocket for a tissue and wiped his nose.

Okay Mom-of-the-Year, ready to go home? Nope. Just as you are about to exit the building into the 30 degree weather, you look for your toddler’s winter hat and realize that neither of you have it. The smart play here would be to not mention it and rush to the car sans hat. But Mom-of-the-Year stupidly says, “Where is your hat? Did you lose it?” You return back into the store to check the cart, but it is not there, which leads you to believe that it was lost somewhere in the 20 aisles of the grocery store. Knowing you have 5 other winter hats at home, you attempt to forget about it, but your emotionally fragile toddler begins to meltdown over losing the hat. He will be upset about it on and off for the next 2 hours.

Meanwhile, during the brief attempt to locate the hat, baby wakes up -- due to hunger? Sitting in poop? Sitting in puke? It is anyone’s guess. You are starting to smell that odor again….. But she cannot possibly have pooped again, right? There is nothing left in there! Ha! After a 15 minute drive home that was completely consumed with a discussion of the missing hat, and after unloading the groceries, and after quickly throwing all of the poop clothes from earlier in the washer and hoping for the best, you take her out of her seat to discover that yes, in fact, she pooped again. And yes, it is all over her clothes….. again.

It is now lunch / nap time for your boogery and cranky toddler. After baby is cleaned and dressed in outfit #3 (at 11 AM), and after an unsuccessful attempt at feeding your toddler lunch, you take him upstairs for nap. He only has a minor tantrum that lasts 20 minutes after which he falls asleep from exhaustion.

Upon re-entering the kitchen and sighing as you assess the disaster that is your house 24 hours a day, you realize you feel a bit nauseous. It is probably because you have not put anything into your body yet today other than coffee.

You are a mom.


I was not going to be a stay at home mom. Loving my career as a teacher, I was definitely going to be a trendy working mom who raised highly cultured children in an urban environment. And I was never EVER going to drive a mini-van..... Two years later, I am a stay at home mom  who lives in the burbs on a cul-de-sac and recently purchased -- yep -- the dreaded van. I don't bake, I am not crafty, and I am horrible cook, but somehow every day the kids get fed, the laundry gets done, and I maintain some element of sanity as my brain atrophies into a watery blob only slightly resembling its former self -- the brain of a professional with a college degree.