Friday, March 11, 2011

Just a simple trip to the grocery store

After strapping your very boogery and cranky toddler into his car seat, you return to the house to retrieve your almost 3 month old (already in her car seat), upon which you smell a familiar odor. “Okay baby”, you say, “let’s change you quickly before we head out.” Ha! Not so simple. As you pull her pants off, you feel a warm goo on your hands and quickly learn that she has pooped through all of her clothes and it is all over legs, socks, pants, onesie… oh, and she just put her hand in it. Awesome.

15 minutes later, she is cleaned up in a totally new outfit and all of the poop clothes (as well as the blanket and burp cloth that also got poop on them) are in a pile on the floor, waiting to be dealt with later. Your hands are thoroughly washed (including under your fingernails -- how does poop get there?)

Back into the car seat…… and as you tighten her straps, she projectile vomits all over her sweater and anywhere possible on the car seat (which, as you recall, also has poop on it -- to be cleaned later). You realize that you are not going through this again, and she will just have to go to the grocery store in the puke. You clean her up the best you can and put her in the car, where you assess the situation with Mr. Boogers.

In the 15 minutes it took to clean the baby, the massive amounts of boogers he produces have been wiped several times onto both sleeves of his coat and are crusting over on his face. He does not mind, however, because he has been enjoying his drink and Cheerios through it all.

So off to the grocery store you go with Mrs. Poopy-pukes and Mr. Boogers. After sharing as many germs and horrible stenches as possible with the other shoppers at the store, you are finally ready to check out. Luckily, the baby is still asleep, but as you are paying the cashier, you notice that Mr. Booger’s nose is so out of control that the woman bagging your groceries has reached into her own pocket for a tissue and wiped his nose.

Okay Mom-of-the-Year, ready to go home? Nope. Just as you are about to exit the building into the 30 degree weather, you look for your toddler’s winter hat and realize that neither of you have it. The smart play here would be to not mention it and rush to the car sans hat. But Mom-of-the-Year stupidly says, “Where is your hat? Did you lose it?” You return back into the store to check the cart, but it is not there, which leads you to believe that it was lost somewhere in the 20 aisles of the grocery store. Knowing you have 5 other winter hats at home, you attempt to forget about it, but your emotionally fragile toddler begins to meltdown over losing the hat. He will be upset about it on and off for the next 2 hours.

Meanwhile, during the brief attempt to locate the hat, baby wakes up -- due to hunger? Sitting in poop? Sitting in puke? It is anyone’s guess. You are starting to smell that odor again….. But she cannot possibly have pooped again, right? There is nothing left in there! Ha! After a 15 minute drive home that was completely consumed with a discussion of the missing hat, and after unloading the groceries, and after quickly throwing all of the poop clothes from earlier in the washer and hoping for the best, you take her out of her seat to discover that yes, in fact, she pooped again. And yes, it is all over her clothes….. again.

It is now lunch / nap time for your boogery and cranky toddler. After baby is cleaned and dressed in outfit #3 (at 11 AM), and after an unsuccessful attempt at feeding your toddler lunch, you take him upstairs for nap. He only has a minor tantrum that lasts 20 minutes after which he falls asleep from exhaustion.

Upon re-entering the kitchen and sighing as you assess the disaster that is your house 24 hours a day, you realize you feel a bit nauseous. It is probably because you have not put anything into your body yet today other than coffee.

You are a mom.

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